What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
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I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.