Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
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cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Remember folks 😂
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
#dalle2
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.