Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
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“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.