can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
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Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?