why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
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I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Botany good plants lately?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.