God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
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My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.