* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
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Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?