Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
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I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.