Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
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Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Did my cat write this
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK