[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
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It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.