The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
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me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes