90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
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Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral