I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.