[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
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I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
girls literally only want one thing..
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Bike is short for Bichael.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
How dramatic are you?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Lmao