Time is precious, waste it wisely.
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My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it