Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Grow up never but we old may grow we
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic