Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
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Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
me doing my best
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.