An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
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I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails