thank god the sign was there
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Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”