Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
You Might Also Like
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
(Electricians.)
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
The Punning Dead.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament