I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
You Might Also Like
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
dam girl
Hey i am sexy to you now
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
This makes total sense…
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.