*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
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buys donuts instead
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.