I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
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Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright