A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
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what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”