I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
lol
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.