They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
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See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie