[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
not to brag, but mine was free
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.