Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.