Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
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It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!