You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
You Might Also Like
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I need to get some bricks…
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors