ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
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Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don鈥檛.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he鈥檒l give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
me refusing to leave twitter
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You鈥檒l find it.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
馃摲: elevasseur
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they鈥檒l tell you their whole life story.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 馃く OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
keep scrolling I鈥檝e got nothing.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I鈥檓 a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER: