My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
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Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.