I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
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Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Life with a cat in one tweet
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*