When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
You Might Also Like
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams