picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
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Favourite diary entry ever
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Good morning, Twitter x
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats