God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
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I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire