While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
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Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
#DesignFail
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Important reminders
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.