There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
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What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes: