[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’