[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
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My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Found the job I’m suited for
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
channeling her this year
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.