[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
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The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Become ungovernable.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Would you wear it?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.