damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
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Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
#Caturday
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Broom by every window for quick escape.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…