Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
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Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I’m aging like a fine banana
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.