Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
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set yourself free xox
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
repaired
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula