guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
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Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
this makes me so uncomfortable
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*