What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS