Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils