I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
When libraries troll their patrons.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
what’s really going on
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!