The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
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I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
they split up moments later
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.