[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
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Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
File under excellent bookstore names.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop